Scrapple & Eggs

I first saw “Black Snake Moan” back in 1999. Only then, it was directed by Jane Campion and it was called “Holy Smoke”. It starred an incredibly sumptuous Kate Winslett as a troubled young woman with sex as her weapon and her weakness, and Harvey Keitel as the dedicated “deprogrammer”, intent on redeeming her while trying to elude her feminine wiles. Other than a heart palpitation inducing Winslett, that movie had nothing to offer, either.

 This time around, Christina Ricci plays the role of the wounded sex tart and Sam Jackson plays the role of her altruistic messiah.

Ricci plays Ray,  the trailer trash tease, to perfection. Except she’s no tease. She puts out. And out. And out. She has some sort of addiction to sex and being used by men. Can you guess what might have caused this? To say anymore would be to give away what you already know.

But she looks great. Lord, does she look great. As my Uncle Joe would say, she’s got a body that would make a bishop kick out a stained glass window. And Ricci really does nail the part. It’s a shame she’s given so little to work with here.

Same can be said about Sam Jackson as Lazarus. He wrings the most out of every action and line the script has to offer, but that’s simply not enough to save this film.

The plot, such as it is, centers around Ray being badly beaten after another night of booze, drugs, and fornication, and Laz finding her on the side of the road and nursing her back to health. Laz’s wife has left him for his younger brother, and he decides he’s not going to let Ray continue to destroy her life through reckless behavior and low self esteem any longer. So when Ray is healthy, Laz chains her to the radiator in the house so she can dry out, cold turkey, from the manly attentions she needs to feel validated.

 Throw in a disastrously codependent relationship between Ricci and Justin Timberlake, and what “Black Snake Moan” ultimately adds up to is the kind of cinematic doggerel best reserved for high school poetry. Particularly the ending, which is pure, unconvincing treacle.

The real answer to that question is: Because when I tried to start this blog under the title “Cornflakes & Bananas”, it didn’t work. So you get “Scrapple & Eggs” instead.

People tell you that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Bullshit! The most important meal of the day is the one that makes you forget that you’re friggin’ starving.

Not that there’s anything wrong with breakfast, mind you. I myself am a big fan. I like fried scrapple and eggs and toast with butter and jelly and fried potatoes and a nice glass of iced tea. But I don’t see what’s particularly healthy about any of that. Nuthin’ but a whole bunch of carbs and cholesterol with a smattering of protein to justify its existence. But it tastes good, and if you’re hungry, it hits the spot.

I expect this blog will be much the same way. Nothing healthy, educational, or morally redeeming about it. But if you’re bored, it might occassionally hit the spot.

Let it be known that Reduced Fat Cheez-Its taste exactly like regular fat Cheez-Its. Normally I don’t care about that kind of thing, but it turns out I’m getting fatter than expected.

 I discovered this phenomenon (the Cheez-Its, not the fattening up) on a long trip back to Delaware from Busch Gardens. We had packed a bag of munchies for the trip, and someone passed me the Cheez-Its. One look at the box that read “40% less fat” had me skeptical. Who would have purchased such a shitty product? Certainly not I. But 10 handfuls later, I was a believer.

 I mention this because Cheez-Its of all flavors and fat content were on sale when I went shopping today. Thus, I purchased 4 boxes of the “Diet” Cheez-Its, so that I can tell my wife that I am finally eating healthy.