Decent’s Secrets To Life The Universe and Everything

This time of year is just so hard for me. There may be people who care about me, but there’s that link, that family link, the broken link, that’s always there.  No matter what anyone tries to do, there it is, there’s that fact, that shadow, hanging around like a thick, impenetrable fog. It’s so prominent that the pain just overshadows everything else. This year, for me, is just the worst it’s ever been. It’s the second year without my sister Sharon, (the first years are bad, but there’s the shock and the disbelief that insulates one from the worst of it, but the second year is worse, as that’s when you come to the realization that’s it’s permanent), the second year without my best friend, (of over 20 years), Lisa, (who was killed right before Thanksgiving last year). I was just layed off and my best-delaware friend Sherry decided to stop being friends with me when I stopped being able to ’help her out’ all the time. My oldest son is in North Carolina, and my youngest has reached ‘that age’ this year where anyone is better company than old ‘uncool’ Mom. He has his best friends family, they call him their second son because he’s over there all the time, and they’re his Godparents now. I let him go, they can do a lot more for him than I can, they take him places, buy him stuff, there’s more to do there, plus his best friend is there, ya know. He’s my son and I love him, but he’s so much better off with them, and I feel so guilty making him stay home. I just can’t do for him the way they do.

It’s been hitting me lately that it isnt just the holidays anymore. I’m pretty much alone as I can be, anytime. No family, my friends are either dead gone or ~not~ friends, it makes me wonder exactly WHO I matter to anymore. Who would really care if I weren’t around more? When people die, it seems there’s always a few people, at least one person who is so distraught that they have no idea how theyre going to deal with the pain. Where are those people for me?? What have I done wrong in life that has left me so utterly alone?

I do have my fiance and his family, if it werent for them, I think all this would be unbearable, it almost is now, I’m on the edge, but at least they keep me from falling over for now.

God, we won’t even get into finances. I dont even have the money for my rent this month, far less anything for Christmas shopping. My fiance already has his own bills to pay, plus some of his Mom’s.

I wont say it cant get worse, because as soon as I do, I’ll find out that it can. But, damn, it could be a lot better.

I just wish I could sleep until it’s all over. I cant feel anything in my sleep.

I have bad habits. Lots of them. However, the worst habit I own is one of being verbally…well, strange. The world inside my head is just like everyone else’s, I just have a different way of expressing myself that sometimes ticks people off. Sometimes, I actually intend it to do that, lol.

A few years ago, I was watching the news, I was so upset  and so frustrated, (and now I cant even remember what it was that took me to this point),  that all my synapses began to misfire, (as they usually do), and I couldn’t think of anything to say to quite cover how pissed off I was. Somehow, my subconcious took over, because this was not a phrase I would have thought up consiously, and I spouted “GOD that just makes me wanna…wanna…punch babies!!!”. I suppose it was my brain trying to think of something as horrible as that thing which pissed me off, just to get it’s point across.

I’ve used this phrase many times since. The reactions I get range anywhere from laughter to “OH my GOD how could you say that?!”.

I would never actually punch a baby. I’ve punched walls, biting dogs, other people my own size, pillows, punching bags, and one very unlucky clown, never a baby.

I just think sometimes there really isn’t any other visual to cover it. I have other phrases, like ‘hang the dog’ or ’strangle Gramma’, but nothing quite says rage like ‘punch a baby’.  

Ok, this is my first blog, bare with me. I have a lot of opinions, but who doesn’t? I’m just trying to get a ‘feel’ for this right now, not quite ready to get up on my soapbox yet. Oh, but I will, don’t worry, I can be fairly long winded when I want to. 

I’ve never really understood the concept of blogging, thus, I have been a little skittish about having one of my own. However, I decided to try after being given the ability by the webmaster of my favorite site www.talkdelaware.com

So, I’ve been reading others’ blogs, I started with Perez Hilton, lol, working my way to up blogs with a little more meaningful content, such as Progun Progressive, and I’ve found that it isn’t as big of a deal as I thought it would be, or in many cases as boring as I expected. There are no bells and whistles or hoops to jump through, you don’t have to webber extraordinaire, or a professional writer, you just need a keyboard, a mind of your own and a willingness to shar your thoughts and opinions with others.

 I can tell you right now that I sincerely doubt I’ll be getting extremely personal on here, but then a week from now I may post a blog about my love life, or the daily hell of being a Mother to teens. I could say that I want to be politically corrent and not offend anyone, but then a month from now, I may put up a blog titled “Can’t Feed ‘Em, Don’t Breed ‘Em”.

Who knows what path or direction this whole thing may take? I’m not sure myself, but, hopefully, I’ll be able to look back on it in awhile and say, yeah this was a good idea.

Decent

Welcome to Talkdelaware.com. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging!